whats up, sugar?

something i cant multiply

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 09:28:30 GMT

this is something i cant write on multiply. maybe LJ is my real "diary" page.

well, im single again, and alls been good, but i cant help but feel that...theres something wrong with my ex. ive known him for so long, that i can almost tell that hes not in a right place. i...may be exaggerating, or paranoid, and truth is, he may just be hating my guts and refusing to show himself...but either way, i hope hes ok. just because...just because once upon a time i loved him, and i want him to be all right.

things with me have been extremely all right. i know i havent posted in months and my new page is really multiply, but id like to announce, here on LJ, that im doing really dandy

i have my head on my shoulders, i have a strange but good relationship with god, i have a pink rosary tattoo on my ankle, i am working on getting my demo cd done, my fmaily is tighter than before, we dont have any real financial problems like we used to, my dad is doing really well with his business and...i just feel really really good and healthy again.

i guess the only thing that isn't complete is my poetry. i cant write poems like i used to. even in prose. its just something i havent gotten back. ive heard music/melodies in my head. theyre slowly coming back...but i cant write any damn lyrics. i dont know how much longer i have to wait for brit mikagami to feel complete again. anyway, that was good. see ya!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 10:43:45 GMT

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh fine fine hee hee!

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:23:01 GMT

ok. a few updates.

1. my new job is the bomb! :)

1. the salary is insane!
2. the work load isnt that bad!
3. the people leave me alone!
4. the people here talk in english! im not snobbing filipino speaking folks. in all honesty, i think that whenever i talk in filipino with a co-worker, they tend to be the more...sincere people. but im not here for sincerity. im here to keep my peace, work in my station, have a few cups of water a day, and get amazing incentives.
5. free stuff
6. wii and xbox
7. breaks that can go on and on if youre free
8. i can chat again! goodbye gmail!
9. i love my boyfriend, but thank god i no longer work with him. im a much much much more peaceful person right now than i was a few weeks ago.
10. no one named D_____ C______ works with me. THANK BLOODY GOD.

p.s. tonylou. i hope...that your re-arranged word for unemployment works best for you :)

hello again

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 02:22:58 GMT

i havent posted on LJ for a while...for reasons i dont want to discuss on LJ. but tonylou knows why. kind of. anyway.

just to let people know, im alive. hahahaha.

ive been obsessing about shaun the sheep, highlites on my hair, a bunny named Fluffy (my untalkative bunny phase is over) and what if daniel johns werent married to natalie imbruglia. well not really, but you know.

ive also recently turned 25, and im not too happy about that. i think my last "happy" birthday was turning 22. ever since i turned 15, things were about "oh my god im getting old".

10 years later, ive achieved a lot that hasnt been recorded or copyrighted yet.

ok i give up. i cant write here. tonylou, i tried. i think its psychological.

acts of kindness

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 01:56:37 GMT

Acts of Kindness

im trying my best to be a kind person. I feel like a bank teller handing out money to the needy and it feels good to help people in need.

i guess im also trying to reverse my karma from stealing loads and loads of stuff before. i still believe i havent recieved full judgement from that yet.

i am smiling and acting like a friend and comfort zone.
------------------------------------------------------
i miss my korean drama "Sunok". it ended last week, and i wish it didnt, because the main character has become the first role model ive had in a really really really long time. she was belittled but turned out strong. and shes still kind to boot!

but alas the show ended.
------------------------------------------------------
GMA is gonna show "meteor garden" soon! weeeeeeee.......
------------------------------------------------------
i think some of ruffa's statements are inconsistent. i tried to listen to her, and after i did...i had a few question marks popping over my head. and whats up with gretchen?
------------------------------------------------------
and isnt the untalkative bunny the cutest thing on the planet???
is it vegetarian?

immaturity vs. i dont know what

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 20:43:32 GMT

i dont think im an immature person, though i do vent out when i can...but if i ever am immature, when did immaturity become a crime for me? were young and were supposed to make mistakes and feel this way and i hate the idea that i dont have control over my emotions.

but its supposed to be ok. im supposed to learn from it all.

i guess i just really hated the idea of being an immature person just because i grew up as a more responsible child than others.

but ill take it and ill fight this, and hopefully one day ill be able to do the things that i really want to do in life ^^

i think watching that KBS drama "Sunok" (insert laugh here) has taught me to regain my fighting spirit.

p.s.
its missy's birthday soon...but i gotta stay home on the weekend coz no one will take care of the house. what shall we do tony?

the sadness of...

Thu, 31 May 2007 20:19:43 GMT

oh oh oh!

today is june 1 and its the KATE MOSS TOP SHOP COLLECTION DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but wait...i am not rejoicing...

coz i only have 1k left!!!

oh the sadness...

matthew

Wed, 30 May 2007 03:55:00 GMT

question:

why doent matthew post?

a) hes busy
b) he doesnt want to be like michelle that whenever she posts it ends up depressing
c) none of his LJ friends are his REAL friends. why should he post?
d) ano paki natin sa buhay niya?
e) he wants to be mysterious
f) hes reading a book

stolen while browsing

Mon, 28 May 2007 23:24:35 GMT

stolen and revised while browsing

[*] I am shorter than 5'4.
[*] I think I'm ugly sometimes. (make-up helps loads)
[*] I have many scars. (not many, a few. less than 5)
[*] I tan easily. (thank god)
[*] I wish my hair was a different color. (ive been wanting to change for a long time)
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[*] I have/I've had braces. (7 years, going strong)
[*] I wear glasses/need glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[*] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger. (its a nice feeling)
[*] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life

[ ] I've sworn at my parents. (i honestly dont remember)
[*] I've run away from home. (not REALLY. i did literally RUN AWAY from home, feeling like a rebel child, but they knew where i went)
[*] I've been kicked out of the house. (kind of...as a threat...i was a kid with my rainbow bright suitcase knocking on the door of assumption college)
[ ] My biological parents are not together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[*] I want to have kids someday. (eventually)
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[ ] I'm in school.
[*] I have a job.
[*] I've fallen asleep at work/school. (Ive marked the benilde bathrooms with my drool)
[ ] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[*] I've been fired. (ive been fired and re-hired the same day. when i was re-hired, i quit)

Embarrassment

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[*] I've peed from laughing.
[*] I've snorted while laughing.
[*] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[*] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health

[*] I was born with a disease/impairment. (mental instability hahahhah im kidding shit)
[ ] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[*] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend. (oh i love gynecologists)
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[*] I had a serious surgery. (do you call a dental surgery where my left brain was hurting so bad i think it got damaged considered serious?)
[*] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling

[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[*] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[ ] I've been to the Eiffel Tower.

Experiences

[*] I've gotten lost in my city.
[*] I've seen a shooting star.
[*] I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[*] I've gone skinny dipping.
[*] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've been in a car crash
[ ] I've been Skiing
[*] I've been in a play.
[*] I've met someone in person from the internet (to buy slam dunk vcd's y'all)
[ ] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[ ] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[*] I've played a prank on someone. (called a rivals house and asked if it was the mental hospital. lame i know)
[*] I've ridden in a taxi. (ive ridden and slept in a taxi drunk!)
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[*] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships

[ ] I'm single
[*] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper. (equal)
[ ] I miss someone right now.
[*] I have a fear of abandonment. (kinda, sorta, its pathetic)
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[*] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[*] I've kept something from a past relationship. (sure. i still got the bottle opener of earl)

Honesty/Crime

[*] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[ ] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[*] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ ] I've cheated while playing a game.
[*] I've cheated on a test/quiz.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[*] I've been arrested. (not really, but id like to imagine it was an arrest)

Drugs/Alcohol

[*] I've consumed alcohol. (ano ba. i had gold eagle beer at 9)
[ ] I regularly drink.
[*] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months
[ ] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs. (ewan ko)
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[*] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[*] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants. (dati)
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic. (dati)
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[ ] I've hurt myself on purpose. (dati)
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm. (d naman)
[*] I've woken up crying. (oo naman)

Death and Suicide

[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[*] I've seen someone dying. (ive seen cats and kittens dying)
[ ] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[*] I've planned my own suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[*] I've written a eulogy for myself. (ay mali. no i havent. ive written a will.)

Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[*] I own an iPod or MP3 player. (a fake one but yap!)
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga. (nah)
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random

[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[*] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[*] I curse regularly.
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[*] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[*] I'm a snob about grammar. (im a teacher)
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[*] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[*] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[*] I like Martha Stewart. (shes ok)
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[*] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[*] I laugh at my own jokes. (i write scripts so yeah)
[*] I eat fast food weekly. (and still dont gain weight)
[*] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[*] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class. (oh benilde is so easy to pass...)
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails.
[ ] I play video games.
[ ] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names.
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I'm good at remembering numbers.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

[*] My answers are totally honest

for a change

Mon, 28 May 2007 21:17:41 GMT

tonylou and i were talking about LJ over some pizza in glorietta the other day. i mentioned that people have a different view of me on LJ because i write depressing things here, when in truth, a few hours after an entry im probably popping and hopping around the office like a screwed rabbit.

i dont write happy / normal stuff. i write really really really happy and exciting stuff, but nothing normal.

so this entry is gonna be a change just coz i dont wanna be like lilly allen wailing that im "fat".

ok.

let me try. what is not sick or depressing...alas! i have to write gore...

1. my little kitten purple yam had his right eye poked. he is now blind and its so sad to see this little kitten with a poked eye. at the vet i wanted SOOOO BADLY to ask if they had a mini eye-patch for him to wear. coz pirate cats are so hot.

2. my family is annoying the hell out of me. first, my mommy dearest always complains that simon doesnt interact too much with us (his family) anymore. then last weekend, he did. he tried to take us to the new ayala mall but no...my mummy had to complain and wail and stuff about his driving. before she was so peeved that she hasnt ridden in his car, and when she has the chance to, the next thing to wail about is his driving. when we finally have family quality time together, it was simons turn to turn assholic and make bara my mom in the middle of an awkward (ackward? akward? gah) family lunch. then yesterday i got peeved when my mom kept insisting i go back to school when although i know its a good idea --- ITS NOT ME. i know myself too well to know that i will waste that hard earned money on daydreaming and wishing i was elsewhere.

3. the only thought that really entered my head yesterday when my mom was trying to feed "school" into my head was my MUSIC. somehow, despite all of whats happened, i STILL really believe my music can help me out. i still believe in myself and my music somehow. and that my dear, is a start. ^^

4. my japanese tv show "hana yori dango" is finished and now im stuck to watching "great teacher onizuka". ay pota naman o. i do however enjoy my korean KBS drama "Sunok" which is the typical mother-in-law grr grr drama. its fantastic!

5. reading people.com just made me find out the winner of Americas Next Top Model cycle 8 winner. how annoying!!! I managed to not know the winners of cycle 3, 4, 6 and 7. why did i have to find out the cycle 5 and 8 winners accidentally?

6. do you think living in is a bad idea? how about living in WITH your parents in the same house? is it really a bad idea? if we dont keep our house, or if we dont find a new house, i might have to give my cats to PAWS. HUHU parting is such sweet sorrow...

7. my boss is coming back today from korea. grr grrr grrrr.

ok! thats the happiest i can be on LJ! how was that tonylou? was that ok? did i do good?

warning: another sad entry

Tue, 22 May 2007 21:13:03 GMT

im sad.

i dont even want to talk about why.

the few friends i do have, i dont even get to see.

and not because we cant. we just dont. and a little bit of cant.

i have to go to the dentist again today.

its been 7 years. when will this be over? when will this phase be over?

i dont even know what i have.

i dont know if i have anhedonia. avolition. or just plain sadness. i cant be depressed. this is different from when i was 19. or maybe its another form.

do spiders represent schizophrenia?

really now.

Mon, 14 May 2007 01:26:50 GMT

tonylou,

coz youre practically my only friend on LJ.

i dont know when i became "pretentious" or... "jealous" even. ive always tried to be a calm, mature and responsible person/partner. but in the past few years ive become less brit mikagami and more THIS (question marks coz i dont know who i am right now) and its quite annoying.

as a partner, this is reason enough not to settle down coz who the fuck am i?

i guess more than anything, i want to find myself. i think all that i was in the past is well, the past. i loved it and its over. and i think the only way im going to find myself now is if i reach out to more experiences.

which -- given the boring lifestyle i lead (i choose to lead) wont get me anywhere.

do i have to really have a lot of friends and go drinking and have a social life to learn more about life and myself? i have few friends and i cherish that fact. but also it isnt getting me anywhere.

ill be 30 in 5 years time, and i dont want to be a 30 year old screaming my teenage angst songs. y'know?

i have 2 new kitties. sakorako and a nameless yet kitty. wee wee!

foul mood

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 20:25:12 GMT

its 3:58 am and im in a foul mood

i dont like being treated like a janitor.

and thats ALL im gonna say about THAT!!!
----------------------------------------

secondly, reading bits and pieces of john mayers blog from perezhilton.com is quite interesting. hes a funny fellow. and i do like him for jessica simpson.

----------------------------------------
nora, the piano playing cat is quite adorable.
cocoa bananas only talent is tapping his food dish asking for food. and biting.

----------------------------------------

i dreamed of my senior year high school crush today...leklek! laugh with me now HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHHA jesus i dont know why!

a healthier me

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 03:10:08 GMT

grrr.

i need zoloft.
but i dont want to depend on medication anymore.

dont get me wrong. i still think Tom Cruise and his "all you need are vitamins and exercise" speech is complete bullshit, but i dont want to depend on a pill for my mood swings anymore.

speaking of tom cruise...i wonder what he has to say about the vtech killings. does he think that if mr.cho had more vitamins and exercise than he wouldnt have killed anybody?

puh-lease.

anyway. im not as dark cloudy as i used to be. i just dont handle myself well. at least my family situation isnt as bad as it used to be. now my eldest brother is the idiot, not me.

going back to zoloft and zyprexa...i was re-reading some of the lyrics i have printed out of my songs...(the ones that are saved, coz there is a possibility that ALL MY OTHER SONGS are deleted and gone forever) and i am just amazed.

sorry but... THOSE SONGS ARE FUCKING GOOD!!! we have artists like hilary duff and lindsay lohan and paris hilton...ok ok someone else...um...we have artists like avril lavigne and i dont know, simple plan and im just like...dude...my songs are so much more hard-core than yours!!! it pisses me off that...oh my god my songs are fucking great but im just unsure who to trust or who to go to get my songs out there, while these people have mediocre songs and theyre at the top of the charts.

im just bitter haha.

so anyway back to what i was saying. i re-read some of those songs, and i re-enountered the state of my mind back when i was 18-21 and i was fucking...shocked/amazed. i had a brilliant brilliant brilliant mind. brilliant!

T.T im not as brilliant as before...huhuhu

speaking of avril, her album sucks daw, but thats according to perezhilton.com so how accurate is that?

sigh

(a few minutes later) had another talk with patrick about my behavior. hes still very supportive and understanding thing and i think i look like an anorexic monster next to him. hes going through a lot of shit which resembles the theme of prison break and im just being all "blah" and "er er er".

i need to go shopping.

hana yori dango VS. meteor garden

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 00:29:07 GMT

right.

ok so my afternoons are no longer filled with Full House or Gokusen 2, so i have to focus on something else.

hana yori dango replaced gokusen, and although ive watched meteor garden before and i already pretty much memorized the story, i still have to watch it.

the first day was a disaster.

1. F4 (the real taiwanese group) --> is way hotter. so yes i was never crush-kilig over jerry yan or whoever, but they were just more "oomph" then these japanese kids.

2. My 6:00 pm TV night watching no longer has the young, bottle blonde jap boys of Gokusen 2, and has been replaced by ... the japanese version of F4??? no no no no no!

3. San Cai (barbie xu) and her look alike, gokusen 2 teacher (who also played sadako in ring: 0 - birthday) are much cuter than the japanese heroine

oh what a disaster! I changed from watching GMA to crime/suspense.

I started watching it faithfully though by the 3rd day. I guess the story of meteor garden was just too good for me to let go.

vs. vs.

vs. vs.

well????

Update: gokusen, "secret diaries" and more

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 09:16:44 GMT

Update:

1. Patrick read my diary. THIS diary. so he might be reading this entry too! at first, when i found out, i was shell-shocked. i never told him i had an online journal, and this has always been my "venting out" space, so i was fucking panicking..

what did i write? was there anything bad?

he told me he read March 16th entry where i wrote "i dont trust my boyfriend..."

and i remember that entry. i re-read that entry now, and i just laugh. i wrote specifically "i dont trust my boyfriend sometimes, and thats all im going to say about THAT! ^^"

--> to anyone who knows me, thats not a serious thing. obviously i didnt take it too seriously when i put a korean happy face in there ( ^^ )

so im doing good.

but the best thing about this experience is this : patrick wasnt mad.

i mean, im SURE he was peeved or hurt at that, but he was able to take it as a man.

(patrick, if youre reading this now, here goes:)

I guess the reason i kept this journal a secret are for the following reasons:

1. you read my journal when i was sick at 19. you hated it, and it became one of the causes why we broke up. i was traumatized. honesty was always our motto during our first relationship, but THAT didnt work out, so i made suer to keep certain secrets for myself during our second relationship.

2. we talked about my insecurities a bunch of times. that entry, i think i already know the cause (ill let you know in person), and that wasnt something i needed to say to you anymore.

3. i dont want you to hear/see/read me gushing over japanese boys. but now youve seen it. oh well, the damage is done.
---------------

last friday was the END of full house and gokusen 2. what the hell am i supposed to watch on TV now???

---------------

my pumping heart

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 20:52:41 GMT

apparently...i still have a heart.

and it still pumps.

for the first time in AGES i find myself getting "kilig" again.

and the only thing that can do the trick to my cold, dead, beaten heart are:

YOUNG, ANDROGYNOUS, BOTTLE-BLONDE, JAPANESE BOYS.

ooh they make my heart race.

akanishi jin

mokomichi hayami

yuu shirota

and all of them are younger than me which makes things even better. im a pedophile.

break down

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 04:53:05 GMT

i broke down today.

it was bad.

it was in front of patrick.

im not psychologically stable to undergo "stupid" stress by "stupid" people who dont understand normal human rules.

there are rules as a human being. there are.

anyway, i completely lost it and threw my cinammon roll to the floor (it was wrapped, so im still gonna eat it) and i was shaking and irrational.

i wanted to quit as head teacher there and then.

Signs...

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 21:45:06 GMT

I don't know what God is trying to tell me, but a very big part of me is telling me that im recieving signs.

If you knew me in high school, you'd probably shrug your shoulders and say "yeah yeah, what's new". But if you know me from now, you would pretty much assume i've already given up on the idea of signs and destiny.

i guess i havent really.

ive been getting dreams about my craft. Music and acting and film and all that...and its really exciting. My music dreams always involve:

1. a musician helping me out with my music
2. me writing mysic in my dreams and i would just know that i still "have it". it just needs to be awakened.

my acting dreams consist of:

1. me auditioning for a role
2. me winning a role/being on set/stage

these dreams are so exciting and i can only wish they were a reality.

todays dream had daniel johns working on my compositions, he was just playing it out. daniel johns. last time it was chris the bassist just talking to me, now its the daniel johns helping me out.

maybe i should find a way to broadcast myself on youtube.com and get a start somehow...

but honestly im not ready. im not ready vocally im not ready with a lot of things. i wish i had like, a manager or something to help me get ready. you know? besides. who wants to watch a musician with braces. honestly.

im getting butterflies.

what NOT to do at a wake...

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 01:24:46 GMT

1. Condolence to Kristines dad. It was...something i didnt expect. No one did.

It was also strange being there. Remember that Kristine and I had a falling out in first year HIGH SCHOOL. but it was also good to be there. and it seemed like all was forgotten when she held on to me for a few seconds.

yes. im like...u know...having a moment... hahaha

2. dewi. my god. its almost as if we never stopped communicating. here the perfect formula for a good high

dewi + me = hilarity
dewi + me + driver = sexual hilarity and not in the physical sense
dewi + me + tonylou = things you shouldnt do at a wake

i love this woman. did i just embarrass myself with this non-revalation? (whats the spelling of embarrass and revalation? embarrass? embarass? revelation? im so STOOpid.)

3. maneesh. so...were meeting up this weekend i heard? dont make it saturday...i mite go out with my block, u know, if i decide to be a nice girl for once to them

4. anakat/trina...kelan tayo mag lo-loving loving?

5. yesterday tonylou, dewi and i tried to defend our actions by saying that a wake is actually more like a reunion in the philippines than it is a time for mourning like anywhere else in the world. this isnt said with any offense to the deceased. this is just the filipino culture. our hearts definitely were intent on paying our respects, but its also the time we see people we havent seen since high school graduation. well, some of them.

6. dewi go back to LJ kasi konti lang ang friends ko dito, so im whoring myself out to you

wondering...

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 22:31:22 GMT

1. i am coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing. apparently, the outfit i wore last saturday (short shorts and yeah, thats all u need to know) was a terribly bad choice. ive been sick since tuesday.

2. an applicant calls

applicant: blah blah blah
me: blah blah
applicant: so who do i look for?
me: look for Patrick
applicant: are you patrick?
me: (bored, sick, tired, stone-faced) im a girl
appicant: yeah..uh haha...
me: thank you good-bye

click

3. i find it odd that despite my...demeanor, people tend to cling to me or treat me like a golden statue sometimes. its fucking odd and it disturbs me. deeply.

4. i...dont trust...my boyfriend sometimes. thats all im gonna say about THAT! ^^

5. tonylou...um...im flattered you think im big-boobed somehow which is weird coz i know you know im not...but um...the bikini...um...its slightly big. um. huhuhuhuhuhu! should i put water balloons?

6. brandon boyd and carolyn murphy broke up a long time ago na pala??? i didnt know! so um...when are daniel johns and natalie imbruglia breaking up. IM SORRY! I DIDNT SAY IT! IT JUST CAME OUT! DONT STRIKE ME WITH LIGHTNING!!! GRRRRR AAAAGH!

-- speaking of brandon boyd, i finally bought their latest cd and its pretty good. the thing about incubus is, you listen to the cd over and over without really liking it at first...but then later on, it really gets to you. it happens in EVERY incubus cd i have. well. the first one is an exception...theyre first song is called "Hot Dancer" and well, thats that.

anna molly is superb ya?

update

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 23:53:15 GMT

1. i lost an LJ friend, and it was shocking. but despite the initial grief, i found myself in a very positive light yesterday. the comments that were given were real, and it really made me think about my life. i ended up going over to patrick and telling him "im going to change" (ha! its gonna take time). I also had fun conversing with angie and re-building the foundation of our friendship. THEN i met up with lei! lei ended up missing work to hang out with me, and you know what? it was a GOOD EXPERIENCE! lei and i back in 2004 were the fucking shiznit! (what is shiznit?) and weve really grown apart in the past few years, but we too re-established our friendship yesterday and it felt good.

we DIDNT drink beer, and we just talked and went window shopping, and it was all good. it felt good.

2. im not saying im going to change overnight. i AM still in the shits. im going through a really tough time, and its quite obvious in my entries. i havent really grown up and its taking time. i cant pressure myself more than i already am. therefore, my future entries will still contain blood and gore and defeat and weakness. if you dont like reading this, skip it, or block it.

i write in my livejournal as a sense of release. i dont like TALKING about it. i like WRITING about it. i will go insane if i dont release somehow.

3. tonylou, are we meeting up tomorrow? i dont thin sunday will be that good an idea, and i might have to spend some time with patrick. that will be our first date since he left you know where. would u be free tomorrow? ill try to convince missy to see us tomorrow.

un myself

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 01:02:46 GMT

a lot of people might think that the year 2001 where i was depressed and anorexic were the darkest hours of my life.

interestingly enough, it isnt.

back then, as fucked up as it was, i enjoyed the dark, the aloneness, the sadness the depression the hysteria. i loved the sick the thin and the thoughts. i loved the fact that i was me and i was being who i thought i should be. ME.

however i would say that NOW is the darkest period of my life (yet) because i dont know who i am. i am suddenly afraid of being alone (physically and romantically), i am afraid of the future, i am afraid of now. i am unhappy with who i have become, i am unhappy with how things turned out. i dont know what clothes i should wear, and i dont know if i am trying to hard when i dress in grunge. i no longer have thoughts in my head, and when i do, i try to hush them down coz im afraid of them.

i...hate myself.

awful girlfriend

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 01:00:23 GMT

im an awful girlfriend.

i never thought id be THIS. but i am. well --- ok ok in my imagination when i was "in love" with brandon boyd, i thought id treat him like shit but i never thought it would happen coz hes brandon boyd, and id never treat him like shit.

well. im treating my boyfriend like shit.

dont say "he deserves it" coz he doesnt. he changed. he quit his stupid _ _ _ _ _, he is committed to me, hes the loveable patrick.

but...

i treat him like shit.

my superiority-inferiority complex is out of control! i feel awful! if i dont fix myself fast, this relationship will crumble, and ill be the one to cry.

i never thought id be a whiner either. i guess being with tonylou much does that to you. hahahhahahahahahahhahahahahhaha
---------------------------------------

in other news. i was supposed to get bangs this weekend, but i chickened out. i reasoned out to myself that i got sensitive skin, and hair hitting my forehead would cause more pimples.

i got myself a boring layered cut instead. but im dyeing so my transformation AINT done just yet.

realities of life

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 00:56:28 GMT

i was in a happier mood a while ago but now im just sad. the realities of life are a little it too much.

i just found out that one of our best teachers (well...we only have 4 regular teachers here) is resigning due to family/financial problems. shes leaving to take 2 jobs which will help her situation. i am sad for our company to let go of someone so good, and i am also sad that at such a young age for her (and a lot of filipinos in this country) she has to take full responsibility for her mom. her sister is having difficulty finding a job in dubai and it just made her situation worse.

she cried yesterday and it made me realize...i might be getting there soon.
---------
my mom is 64 years old. she cannot hold on for much longer. she has always supported my family since my job cannot sustain us although i love him very much, but the reality of the matter is, my mom is our sustainer.

she recently resigned from her graveyard shift job, to find a normal 8-5 job --- ONLY ITS MUCH MORE DIFFICULT. i worked in hsbc call center for less than 5 months and it drove me insane. and im young. my mom has to go through WORSE and shes 64. today is her first day on the floor, and she was nervous. it makes me cry now because i used to cry a lot in hsbc from all the pressure, and my mom is going through it as i type this down.

she told me she might resign soon.

my dad...cannot sustain us.
my sister pierra is married and recently quit her job in meg due to stress.
my brother pierre is an asshole who doesnt give much and expects so much.
my brother simon is leaving us on august to live on his own. he cannot contribute much more due to his new house.
i...i am this. and i am not earning much.

i have around 20 cats who constantly go to the vet and just the other day i spent 3K on one cat. i have to go back to the vet today and i only have 3k left in my pockets. thats all i have left. and i KNOW that that isnt enough for my cats payment. i will have to have utang to the vet.

i have been trying so desperately to save money since 2004. ive been wanting to save money to make myself a demo cd...a good one, to finally reach my dreams. i made a demo cd in late 2004, which cost 12k for 2 songs, and i didnt like the quality. so i decided to save MORE to get better quality.

i have 3k in my pockets and im giving it to the vet for saving my cats life.

i dont mind using my money for my family and my cats.

i just wish...i just wish i had the money.

i wish i didnt steal all those things when i was 19. i wish i didnt have to recieve 7 times karma for all the things i did in my past. i wish i could be forgiven and start being a financial help to my family.

i wish i could have the means to achieve my dream.

fuck. im teary-eyed.